Zulu’s Mailbox












1. Dear  Zulu,  

I have a problem. I wanted to decorate the outside of my house with a nautical theme, so I put a red and green light bulb in my porch lights to simulate Port and Starboard running lights on a ship. The problem is, the green Starboard light keeps shorting out, and I am left with one red Portlight. I am worried that the neighbors suspect I am running a house of “ill-repute” What should I do? Splicing the Mainbrace in Maine.

Dear Maine Splicer;

I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Americans are so used to Men showing up at houses to pay prostitutes that they probably just think you’re in politics and your home is just another State House. On the other hand, a house of ill-repute has more class, so either fire up the nickelodeon or find yourself a good electrician. 


2. Dear Zulu,

Let’s talk about the “Elephant” in the room; how can you actually call yourself a blogger and yet, you haven’t been blogging. Signed; Steve “Never actually seen an Elephant” Stone

Dear Stoner;

Well, it’s like this. I went to the Author Expo the other day. There were so many great authors, interesting people, amazing books and engaging conversation. On the other hand, one “Author” made up some bumper stickers that said, “I am a child of God; Not an Ape.” Well, if that man can sell bumper stickers at a book fair, deny science, mock evolution, and display his limited view on an expanding universe and still call himself an author, then I can call myself a blogger until I’m not. Thanks for pretending to read.


3. YO! What up Z-Dawg!???

Check it……Last night…….

Dear Youngblood, what happened to the rest of your post? Oh, wait!!?? Were you texting me and reading my blog while you were driving again? You know I love you, but hang up; “Drive Now; Text Later!” It’s more than just a slogan. Rewrite me if you ever make it out of the ditch!


4. Dear Zulu,

Every Year, I make a resolution to return to read more. It never seems to happen. What should I do? Read-less in Reno

Dear Read-less. So many of us think the same. Here are a few suggestions. 1. Resolutions don’t have to start once a year. That’s why it’s so miserable to go to the gym in January. The place reeks of resolution. 2. “Unplug” your electronics (including ZD45) for a few minutes. Pick out a book. Pledge to read for 10 minutes a day. Start there. 3. If you fail, exhale, and start again. 

Thanks for reading………..for yourself!


5. Dear Sir/ Zulu/ Mr. Delta,

As evidence of me not knowing how to address you, “anyone” can see I am conflicted. It’s that time of year again; the “War on Christmas”. It’s only gotten worse as the President (a.k.a. Individual One) has informed us there is also a “War on Thanksgiving (who knew??).” I live in deep fear that Bastille Day and “Take your Pirate to Work Day” will be under siege next. I come upon people, and I am immobilized with apprehension because I just don’t know what to say; “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Hanukkah,” “Happy Holidays” or “Would you like Fries with that Order?” I know I sound crazy but I’m doing my best and trying to be a better person.  Please Help. 

Mary in Bethlehem (Pennsylvania; Not the Bible)

Dear Mary Not In The Bible,

It’s simple and can be used all year long, and to every walk of life, and religious and non-religious denomination.

When encountering people; Just Say “Hello!”

It goes a long way to Peace On Earth.


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